AMBITION.

Assalamualaikum. Hello. Hye. I was updating this entry quite late, four days postponed than the predicted one on when this should be due to a few unforeseen circumstances.Haha. So, I am happy now. I found my desired tranquility, I can breathe calmly, my nerves are disconstricting, my blood pressure has been clinically self-determined to be normal. In brief, YES, I am in much pleasure. So as I was thinking where is my book that contains a list of 750 idioms? I was spending two years searching for it. Allright it's not a big deal.

I just can't sleep. Well, it's hard to find good sleep for me for this fortnight backwards. So I used to make things that really tiring my eyes; sitting in front of this laptop screen as such. Damn! It didn't work so I felt like going out somewhere, having cup of tea, (NO! It's caffeinated, so it is prohibited for my insomniac syndrome!). The sad thing is, I felt a bit dizzy. So I tend to do this, updating this stupid-so-called blog, laughing alone watching hillarious stupid jokes, wandering around my little house checking whether gates has been locked ( am I the only security guard here? ), and the last thing is, taunting smirk to my little sister's ugly drawings. I am a relentless brother I think. Suddenly, I used to think about this, AMBITION. Yeah it was a syllable spelled 'A.M.B.I.T.I.O.N', for which I rapturously believe everybody knows it, having it, realizing it, working on it, tasting it, missing it , with so many ways, by means of logic, knows it well. I was thinking about this after a sudden after thinking that I am aproaching 19 by this July, and I don't even know what are my ambitions. Yes, I do have lots of things I really working on to grab it, turning them from a jotted-down dreams into sort of reality. We do things that are beneficial for us, I'd never doubted it gonna be wrong, and if so, there's always reasons. The point is, almost all of them are beneficial, just for a short period of time, for which I supposed not to sit comfortably. Pertaining this kind of situation, I made a decision to steal a corner of my day to just having a self- made negotiations between me and my mind. So then the conversation begins.

Yeah, this is what I was looking for since I was  kid. Capturing the days backwards, when I was 5, I have this kind of obsession towards the army. Terribly obsessed ! At these days, what I know is, being an army is a hero, and a hero belongs to the society, society pays respect to the hero, and a hero is ruler and he is so powerful. Thus, when people asked ' Hey kid, what is your ambition? ', then spontaneously, without looking at the people who'd asked me the question, I answered ' I wanna be a brave soldier! '. Damn. Shameless me. I used to answer that in a very loud, proud tone of astonishment. What a shame. Then, when I was 9, I'd had demonstrated myself as a boy who is sensible and practical. I love tools, machines, and appliances. I was a 'head' once at the time where kids at my age were playing these racing cars called 'Tamiya'. I spent more that majority sum of my schooling budget buying the best quality of sparepart materials of my 'Tamiya'. My super toy car was the fastest and always in a best condition you wanna see it during that time. And hence, on that particular time, I was too eager that I can be a good mechanic. Then, when I am 15, I was a high school teenage boy in a science-based academic college. I established myself there when I was 13. This college is situated in a very rural area, circularised by a rubber tree plantations area and far away from town. I loved to be here as there were no distractions, for which I still have this believe about this place until now, and honestly, I miss this place too much, damn much. I just caught up myself studying very hard, rather than smart, in here. I was too pushy. And somehow, my passion in career based on science field was there, it was born in here. I strived so hard to become a medical doctor. I kept this ambition until I was 17. I don't know what happened, probably because I made mistakes, I failed to have a qualified grade in my Biology during the SPM. God knows the level of my deepest frustration, on what were my efforts before,and being too haggard for myself, hoping for mistakes for the result. And you know what, NOPE, no mistakes. Again, I sighed in frustrations. It's just a feeling like losing a precious ruby diamond that you treated it a proper care, you've sacrificed everything you have, pounding off your fastest heartbeat of caring it without any scratches then suddenly, without prior warning, without any consent, the diamond cracks and vanishes.

But then, my dad suggested me a course to be taken for furthering my studies. Unfortunately it was out of my league, either my passion and my list of course-to be-attended. It's an accounting career, called Certified Accounting Technician or CAT in short. Yea, I heard this kind of course before during my accounting class but then my ignorance was there on that time. So I went to seek further information about this kind of accounting studies. Still, my passion hasn't there. But now, I am attending this professional course, and it's like, ' Oh God, it's almost a year I'm taking this damned-tough-artless course!', and guess what, I am going to finish this off in another 3 months ! Here in UiTM, I was placed at the Faculty of Accountancy. I've been trained and induced all these accounting-in-making stuffs, which for me, I got less devotion towards it. But after 3 months, I realized that accounting stream is much better than the medics. My verdict was just I am going to do this. I HAVE A STRONG AND ARDENT CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN DO THIS STREAM. I tailored my brain to bring up the passion. I stayed at the faculty after classes, reading all sorts about business world, taxation, accounting and finance, which are the three main cores of my studies. Then I realized, I do have passion in this. I tend to make myself liking those professional values the faculty is trying to adapt to it's students. I explored that so many jobs are there in business, and one of them is being an auditor, for which, it has been my ambition. I just knew I can be an auditor, and the business is all my passion.

What I learnt is, there are no barricades in achieving passion. It is we, ourselves that are going to determine how, when and what we gonna be. I just wish to have a bright future, that's the reason why I was thinking about this. The working environment are too competitive nowadays for the field that I am opting for. The best man wins, the worst can surely get off! Until we meet again. Thanks for reading, and sorry for any wrongdoings. Just let me know if the mistakes need a deep apologise from me.

PRAY. DEFEATED.

Hello. It has been a very long time that I was't dropping by. Days are too much busy, they have been too harsh too. I didn't realize that it has been almost a year that I went far away from home, NO, my real home. I was just missing the way my life went through at the older days. How I missed my old- self. How I wanted to turn back time. Life has been too much tiring and MEAN. Yes, MEAN. Everyday, I was asking the help from God. I was begging for any extra-strength, inner strength, soul- strength to just go through these days. Life has been so much changed. Drastically as it doesn't prone to give any chances to just give the best shot. Suitable word, MEAN. Yesterday, when I sat down, alone, I asked God, " Could you please intervene and help me to end up this tiring heart-broken feelings? These stupid hell feelings disrupted my whole nerves ! I just can't get to focus on my academics, my daily routines are messing up with this abrupt and HEAVY situations of trying-to-stand up. Could you, The Most Benevolent, help me out ? ". I felt like crying. 

Back to the older days, I have SO MANY FRIENDS, SO MANY BESTFRIENDS, for whom I was never intended to befriends with, with any kind of their behaviours. If I, having any problems, surely, I'd never doubted they could come and see me, communicate personally, asking me, motivates me. But somehow, things changed. ABRUPT CHANGE. I just felt like losing all of them. Like losing bunch of grapes in a glimpse, taken by monkeys. It has been two months , NOPE, four months in sum, my life was hung in limbo as I waited to be released from these suffering days. Sometimes, I just saw hopes, I saw the way out, but it seems like they dissapearing smoothly, slowly without my notice and my consent. Life is so MEAN.

In contrary, YES, I do have some good, excellent changes in my recent life. Yet, it actually appears to become quite a strength to move on, and just put a solid FULL FULLSTOP of these growing-up-normal-teenagers-problems. I got some new good friends, YES, they're so good, enough kind to put me in a comfortable atmosphere of friendship, which says, 'Oh, I can hang up with them , laughing, eating, shisha-ing, until 5 a.m in the morning, though I got a class tomorrow at 8 a.m ! Damn! They're nocturnal ! '. In these recent days, I was being enogh grateful to the Almighty God, He had gave me easeness on my financial issues. I don't know what suitbale word to tell you guys of how much I am being so grateful to this. 


I was still in a situation to stand up by myself. What I need is people who can add up my strength. I realize how this worldly enjoyment is just temporary. Nothing compares happiness. I am breathing heavily when my fingers typed these line-by line emotional impressions. Then, I felt a clear pinpoint of light seemingly ignitng witihin my deepest pain, and it says ' God is always be with you. You are still young. '. 


I just hope to fall asleep in a way of having nothing to think, I need a transparent dustbin, which I always imagining it will be like a very big, red-coloured half-circle box, which says 'Hello Faris, I am a talking dustbin with a vacuum pump. My purpose of coming here is to suck out all those stupid fellas of ideas you are thinking so that you can sleep now'. 


I just believe a phrase, which is so meaningful for the people who believe in it, facing it, see how far the truth can be, which is ' Believe in Karma '. 

My prayers are having the days afterwards will be such an enjoyment, embodiment of happiness for me, my families, my friends and those human beings all around the world. Amin.